Rock Hard Titties

Updated: May 13, 2021

This was probably one of the most hilarious moments of my life. Anyways this story is totally not for you if you can’t deal with inappropriate stories, think breastfeeding is gross, or that boobs are only sexual objects. If you’re cool with some weird ass shit keep reading…..


To start here is a pic of me all done up at the wedding!





 


I officially had my first night away from the baby. I’ve been away from lily before but as a breastfeeding mom it was such a struggle leaving my three month old. Especially when so many people shame moms for leaving their babies. I figured I would share what the experience was like for me! Prepare to potentially be grossed out. Like I said if you’re not ok with that don’t keep reading.


 

The Car Ride & Hotel

 

As we were in the car heading 3 hours away from my babies for the night I was preparing for when I would pump and also crying because I missed my babies (dramatic I know). I pumped for an entire hour of the trip and pulled out a solid 8 ounces of milk which is equivalent to about two feeds for my baby. At this point I was feeling great because I was ahead and had enough milk.

When we arrived to the hotel we had to get ready but we couldn’t check in yet. I knew I wanted to pump before the wedding as well so I got ready quick in a friends room, had a few drinks, and pumped. I did not dump my milk bc I have a solution for drunk milk which I’ll share in another post (stay tuned)


 

The forgotten breast pump

 

Leave it to me to forget to bring my breastpump to the wedding. We arrived to the hotel that had the shuttle and I completely forgot my breast pump! I was so mad at myself but I figured it’s only 6 hours and I pumped 12 ounces before so I should be okay. I also had a haakaa on hand in my purse so I figured that would be sufficient. For those of you who dont know what a Haakaa is... its basically a little magical hand pump. I use it to catch breastmilk on one boob while the baby is feeding on my other. However, it turns out the Haakaa was not enough. Because I pumped so much before the wedding, my boobs went into overdrive. I was so uncomfortable by the time the cocktail hour ended that I was so desperate to pump. I literally could not stand the feeling as my boobs leaked through my breast pads onto my dress liner and molded into rock hard titties. I found a staff member who directed me to a room so I could try to use my haakaa and manually express them. With the brides okay she sent me to the bridal suite. It was a cozy little room and private so I shut the door and went about my business. Literally it was not working. 15 minutes in and I only had about a half ounce in my haakaa, I was sweating and I heard people come in that were waiting to access the bathroom. At this point I said “f’*k it.” I dumped the half ounce from my haakaa in the toilet, threw some TP in by bra and walked out. I figured a little more alcohol would help ease my discomfort so I partied and had fun for a bit.....


 

On to the funny part of the story.....


 

Around 9pm I was literally so uncomfortable. I don't typically leak so I didn't even bring breast pads (idiot I know). I was leaking through gobs of toilet paper left and right. At this point I had officially had ENOUGH. I looked at my husband and I was like I need you to suck the milk out of my tits. He was obliterated from all the alcohol and basically looked atme like I had five heads and then said ok. By the way, my husband is totally not some creep with a breastmilk fetish. As a matter of fact I feel as though I should say he was not into this idea at all but he would do anything for me so shout-out to him for being the real MVP. Back in the day when I made him try breastmilk he said it wasn’t that bad and it tasted like strawberries so I figured what better way to get the milk out than to have my husband suck it out. I thought it would take five minutes and I would feel better. Well ladies this was NOT the case. Adult men are not nearly as coordinated for breastfeeding as a 3 month old baby. As a matter of fact he did not know what TF he was doing. After a few minutes of him uncomfortably biting my nipple in the family restroom we decided to call it quits. By the way, this was a purely non sexual experience that was NOT enjoyed by either of us although, the guests probably thought we were doing something else in there as they watched us exit the family restroom together. Needless to say I still had rock hard titties until about 11pm when I got back to my hotel and was too tired and drunk to finish pumping so I went to sleep.


 

Waking up hungover in a pool of breastmilk

 

I woke up around 4am in a pool of breastmilk with a headache. At this point I was like okay I absolutely need to pump or I’ll get mastitis. So I pumped out a solid 9 ounces. As the milk was draining it literally was the BEST feeling. I know many breastfeeding mommas can relate to that (even if you can’t relate to having your husband drink your breastmilk). I pumped again at 7am and then once more on my car ride to my babies! Despite all of this I still managed to pump more than my baby ate.


 

Reunited and it felt SO good

 

Having the baby breastfeed is a much more enjoyable experience than pumping (for me that is). I was so worried he’d reject me after having so many bottles but it was like we didn’t skip a beat. Here we were connected and happy! I had no problems with my supply or anything after one night away. I was so worried this wouldn’t be the case but here I am back to exclusively breastfeeding with no problems.


 

To all the breastfeeding moms (Well to ALL moms)

 

You can go away for the night, you’ll be fine. If leaving your baby isn’t fine for you then don’t leave them. That’s your choice but don’t make other mommas feel guilty for a night away! We’re all doing our best. All mommas need different things. Some are like me and enjoy a night away and others do not. It is completely okay being either type of mom. Just keep your opinions to yourself.


Stay tuned to hear how my girls weekend in Atlanta goes in June! I planned a 4 day trip and couldn't find ANY info on how to manage that so I plan to share my experience with you! Some of my worries include: Will my baby still latch when I get back? How will I pump enough milk? and finally, how many times am I going to cry?


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